Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
