Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
