I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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