I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
