i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
