**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
