if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
