you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
