Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
