I wish my penis had an off switch
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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