I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize