i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
