You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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