I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
