i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I AM VODKA MAN
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
