Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
