she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
