I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
