Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
