i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
