god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
