I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
