A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize