I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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