The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
