My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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