how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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