apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
