He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
