Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
