I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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