I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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