I bet he comes in French.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So many bounce houses so little time
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
