you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
