Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
