I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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