i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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