You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
