Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Please don't give away my fajitas
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