No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it's like heaven, but drunker
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
