Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
