Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
