So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
