Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
