she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
