if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
