Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
