i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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