I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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