why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize