wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
