If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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