just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
well you can't waste a boner
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
