The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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