im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
