i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
