I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
