dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
