Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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