You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
