The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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