Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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