I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Acid is not a monday night drug
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
