Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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