My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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