I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
