She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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