I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
